Zach and the City: How I Found My Bi Community Through Polyamory and Sex
When I came out as bisexual, I thought the world would be my oyster. I thought the hard part of my journey was finally over. You see, before that, I used to spend countless nights obsessing over whether I was gay or straight. Because I was attracted to women, I’d decide that I must be straight, and then I’d wake up the next morning, hungover, surrounded by evidence that I’d masturbated to some particularly raunchy gay porn the night before. That wasn’t something straight guys generally do, so I’d decide it didn’t make any sense and would just pretend none of it ever happened. This scenario played out so often that it was ridiculous, but I’d bought into the myth that men can’t be bisexual, so I couldn’t grasp the obvious truth right in front of me.
So when I finally wised-up and embraced my bisexuality, I was certain the rest would be easy. Surely, now that I knew who I was, I’d easily be able to find a group of like-minded queer folks like me! I imagined myself living among my “tribe”, and I assumed that tribe would be gay men. It seemed like a perfect fit since I love gay culture. I love kiki-ing with the girls at drag shows, dancing the night away to pop divas, and being shady for no damn reason at all.
Alas, it quickly became clear that I couldn’t be my full self around gay men. I was always “the bi one”, never fully accepted for who I am. And, if I started dating a woman, they’d act like I was completely straight. (I was like, I have sucked more dicks here than anyone in the room! WTF?)
So I was forced to ask myself, “Where do I belong, and how the hell do I find my people?”
I can’t go any further without saying that what I experienced is not true of all gay men. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had a lot of gay friends who’ve embraced me for being bi, and I love them dearly. I have incredible straight friends, too. In fact, my best friends today are the ones I made in college, and they’re all boring heterosexuals! But even so, when I’m with my gay and straight friends — as much as I love them — I often feel like something is missing.
I realized I needed to be around other people whose attractions aren’t limited to one gender. Period. I wanted a clique of other bisexual badass babes who would get me, without me having to explain or justify my sexuality.
So how did I finally find the bi community I was looking for? It was through Jason, a bisexual guy I was dating who was married to a woman. At the time we met, he and his wife were dating another woman together as a unit. (As a side note, this was when I was living in Somerville, MA., which just became the first city in America to legally recognize polyamorous relationships, broadening the definition of domestic partnership to include relationships between three or more adults. Woot, woot!)
They were also part of a poly group of around 60 people who hung out together. Nearly everyone in the group was bi — even the men! In a lot of poly circles, all the women are bi, and all the guys are straight (boo!). But much to my delight, this crew wasn’t just poly and bi, it was sex-positive too.
Up to this point, I had been a slut, but never part of an organized community of fellow sluts. The revelry! At least twice a month, Jason and I would go to a sex party with my new friends. I even started dating some of them in addition to Jason.
For the first time, I was connected to a lot of other bi folks. I finally felt fulfilled! And not just because they were bi; they were also slutty and ethically non-monogamous. When I was part of this group — this community — I didn’t feel as if I ever needed to explain myself. I was liberated! No longer was I always the token bi guy — I was the hot guy instead, and that is as it should always be!
Then I moved to NY and Jason and I broke up (amicably). I was back at square one, with no idea how to find another group of sex-positive, bi, polyamorous kinksters. Even in NY — which has to be one of the queerest, most open cities in the world — I was struggling. Tragically, you can’t just walk into a bi bar and make friends the way you can at a gay bar. If anybody knows where all the cool bi kids hang, I’d really love to find out.
At first, I dabbled with the idea of being a basic Hell’s Kitchen gay, and I started hitting up bars like Therapy, Rebar, and Hardware. But I quickly recognized this wasn’t the world I was looking for, and besides, I don’t like being around men and only men all the time. After that, I became more active in the Club Kid scene, which I loved. There was a mixed queer crowd, with more cis women, trans and nonbinary folk, and they were all proud practitioners of gender fuckery. I was hosting parties for nightlife legends like Kayvon Zand, and I loved it — but it was unsustainable. I couldn’t be out drinking until 5 AM on a Tuesday and try to become an established writer at the same time. And while I enjoyed the Club Kid crew, their queerness is mostly about gender expression, whereas mine is an expression of sexuality. So as much fun as I had being around them, they weren’t quite my people.
That was when I got lucky. I discovered the New Society For Wellness (NSFW), a group I learned about through an open invitation they sent out in the press. I thought it was just a new sex club, but hey, it was bi-inclusive, so of course I was going to give it a try. I went to one of their events, figuring I might have some great sex, but nothing more. I didn’t think I’d find any real friendship there.
Before long, I was a regular visitor to the NSFW clubhouse. At the time, it was a repurposed Escape Room, and I particularly enjoyed having sex — with people of all genders — either in the “doctor’s office” or the “jail cell.” But to my surprise, I also found myself becoming friends with other club members, and I realized that this wasn’t just a place for me to get my freak on; it was a gateway into a whole new community of bi, poly, and sex-positive people. Eureka!
I’ve been living in NY for four years now, and without a doubt, these are my people. They are my tribe. They’re the people I lean on when I need support emotionally, the people I go out to bars with, the people I call when I need to vent. They get me without explanation. They feed my bisexuality in a way that other people just can’t.
And during COVID, they have been my family. They have been my support network. They were the “small pod” of people that I trusted enough to see in person (I think poly folks are better equipped to have difficult conversations about COVID exposure since they’re used to communicating about STI risk… but that’s a whole different article). We shared the experience of going from an extroverted life of sex parties to one of isolated abstinence, and that has given us a reason to relate to each other even more.
I always felt like I had to pick a side when it came to my friends, that bi people were forced to choose. Through simple inertia, we find ourselves gravitating more towards the gay or straight community, taking for granted that those are our only options. But that simply isn’t true! I’m not saying it’s easy to find your bi tribe, but it can be found. We do exist. You don’t have to settle for being part of monosexual groups where you don’t quite feel understood. If you want something more, it’s worth putting in the effort.
Go out and find your bi family. You’ll be glad you did.
