Currents

Picture this: you're out on a date, and the conversation takes a political turn. What's the quickest way to douse the romantic flames? Well, according to a new dating survey from Change Research, it's flashing the MAGA or communist card. It turns out that extremism isn't just a mood killer; it's a full-blown “red flag” in the game of love. When it comes to dating in these highly politicised times, the data shows that moderation is sexy.

Researchers polled over 1,000 registered US voters aged 18-34 and found that a majority of both women and men consider far-rightism and far-leftism alike to be red flags in a potential partner. A whopping 76% of women and 59% of men consider “identifying as a MAGA Republican” to be a major turn-off when scoping out a potential partner. Likewise, a hefty 64% of men and 55% of women said they'd also swipe left on someone identifying as a communist. It seems that sharing a love for Trump or Marx might not be the recipe for romance.

Other results were more gender specific. 55% of women, for example, might run for the hills upon discovering that their date is a Joe Rogan enthusiast, and 41% of men are liable to recoil at the first mention of astrology. So, the next time you're vibing with someone, maybe save the podcast recommendations and daily horoscopes for the second date.

For my own part, I started dating my wife back in 2016, in what, looking back, seems like a much less political era. Even though Brexit and Trump were dominating headlines at the time, politics hadn’t taken hold of the dating market as it has now. I feel lucky to be “off the market” in our hyper-political world. I shudder at the thought of dating today, where simply listening to a particular podcast can lead to romantic rejection, and where people are so obsessed with politics that one must walk on eggshells.

Over these past seven years, both ends of the spectrum have gotten more extreme. As religiosity has declined, ideology and politics have rushed in to fill the void. The result has been a derangement of society, where disagreements are more contentious, views are more extreme, and politics swallows everything. Today, 80% of Brits say British society is divided. Across the Atlantic, when asked to sum up US politics in a word, a plurality of Americans chose some variation of “divisive.” This dynamic has filtered down into seemingly every area of life. If Joe Rogan is a major turn-off, for instance, there are going to be a lot of people turned off, since The Joe Rogan Experience is the single most popular podcast in both the US and the UK. If something that popular is so polarising, we clearly have a problem with social cohesion. With that in mind, maybe we need to look at what is an extreme view and what isn’t.

One of the reassuring findings about this Change Research dating study is that most daters want someone in the sensible centre. They don’t want someone who is itching to end the date early to run off to the latest protest or rally. Amid the many disheartening social trends we are facing as a society, this is good news. That isn't to say that being politically involved is bad or unimportant. There’s nothing wrong with being political or having strong views, and I know lots of couples that are on different sides of the left/right divide who are very happy together. Their political differences might cause the odd argument, but on the whole, they either don’t focus on it, or politics in general just isn’t a big factor in the relationship. Unfortunately, that ability to bridge political divides doesn’t seem to be as prevalent among young people as this survey suggests.

A slogan has become popular in recent years within the British dating scene: "Never kissed a Tory." It's a phrase that has swept across the nation, essentially declaring that one would never date or hook up with anyone who supports the Conservative Party. It's even found its way into the vibrant landscape of Pride parades and sparked debates and finger-pointing. “Never kissed a Tory” has become more than just a slogan; it's become a symbol of political polarisation in the realm of romance.

But there's more to this than catchy phrases and parade drama. One study published in 2016 uncovered something quite intriguing: the proportion of British parents who'd be upset if their sons or daughters tied the knot with someone with differing politics had more than doubled in just eight years (and that study is seven years old, lord knows what it’s like now). This isn't just about romantic partners; it's about in-laws and family dynamics being influenced by political beliefs. The data from the US is similar. Indeed, studies have found that a staggering two-thirds of US respondents said they would not date someone of the opposing political party. A dating preference for political moderation might be the path out of this extremism spiral.

The rise of this sort of purity politics, where one can have no association with people from other political persuasions, may also be playing a role in the overall drop in partnering and sex among younger generations. Researchers have shown a massive drop in sexual activity among adults under age 25. An uncompromising political mindset where one can only date people with the exact same views might be playing a significant factor in this. The truth is that just because you are aligned politically with someone doesn’t mean you’re going to find them sexy, have much in common, or have compatible personalities. A TikTok user recently made headlines after complaining that the only masculine and chivalrous men she can find are conservative. This perfectly exemplifies the divide politics is playing in dating and perhaps the need for people to consider relationships where they can agree to disagree. In my opinion — and hear me out on this one — sometimes differing views can be sexy.

I recall the one time politics did come up on a date. Both the gentleman in question and I passionately disagreed and spent a good hour arguing our cases and teasing each other. And you know what? A few hours later that passion lit up the bedroom. Having quickly established a push-pull dynamic and teasing each other, the sex was incredible. I see no reason to be opposed to dating someone with different politics. It’s just that I wouldn’t want to date someone who’s an extremist, someone who wouldn’t let topics of conversation go until I agreed with their point of view.

Shifting our focus from personal preferences to the broader social context, the connection between politics and dating also extends into the LGBT community. Research published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour suggests that people with politically conservative beliefs display a lower willingness to engage in romantic or sexual activities with bisexual people. I suspect part of the reason has to do with ignorance around bisexuality, but it could also stem from the fact that bi people are more likely to be left-of-centre than other groups.

Of course, it’s worth remembering that personal choices and inclinations are diverse, and one's political stance doesn't define their worth in the dating world. I do hope that as we move forward, perhaps we can learn a thing or two from this research and strive to meet in the middle. While our political identities can be of great personal importance, let's not forget that love transcends labels. In the online political landscape, finding common ground and being moderate are portrayed as the foibles of know-nothing normies or insufferable centrists. Out here in the real world, though, moderates are the chads and radicals are the virgins.

Published Oct 26, 2023