Can Stay-at-Home Dads Have It All?
Currents
Men, especially fathers, have seen their roles transform in today’s world. The amount of time fathers spend with their children, along with the percentage of men who are stay-at-home dads, has been steadily increasing. Add to that the decline in many traditionally male-oriented fields such as manufacturing, plus the dramatic increase in female earnings, and it’s no wonder we’re going through a cultural sea change. The trends and events of recent years have reshaped the way fatherhood and masculinity are perceived and practised. Stay-at-home dads are on the rise, gender expectations are changing, and fatherhood itself is evolving. What does this mean for men and the children they’re raising in the next generation?
When I think of my journey with fatherhood, as a bi man married to a woman, it's been one hell of an experience. My two- and four-year-olds were born during the pandemic; the stay-at-home dad era is the only one they know. In fact, I’m so involved that I feel guilty on the days I do go into the office. I got to see my children’s first steps, hear their first words, and, more importantly, have a proper say and impact on the way in which they are raised. But it hasn’t been a walk in the park — despite all the walks in the park. Striking a healthy balance between work and family, and between new responsibilities and old expectations, is no easy task. And it’s one that more and more men face today.
The growing trend toward fathers spending more time at home was supercharged by the pandemic. Thanks to the rise of remote and hybrid working, many fathers no longer rush off while the little ones are still in their pyjamas and are home when their kids return from school. In fact, one in five stay-at-home parents are now fathers, according to a recent Pew study. And this number only seems poised to grow. Research cited in later editions of the New York Times Best Seller, The Expectant Father (1995), found that seven in 10 men in their 20s and 30s would take a pay cut to spend more time with their families. A Monster.com survey showed that 68% of dads would consider being stay-at-home fathers if they could afford it. Another Pew study found that among men who have turned down promotions or quit their jobs to care for a child or relative, 88% and 87% express no regrets and say they’re glad they did it.
This is a stark contrast to the traditional model where fathers were often absent, working long hours to provide financially but missing out on the emotional and developmental aspects of parenting. An age looked back fondly upon by some as a time when “men were men.” The irony is, that these supposedly manly men of generations past were, living in an absent-father society, often themselves raised by their mothers and female teachers. Today, children are spending more time with their fathers than ever before, which could lead to the development of a new, healthier generation of men.
This is unquestionably good news, but there are still those who feel that increased childcare is part of the “feminisation” of men and that a father’s place should be in the office or on the work site providing for the family. Andrew Tate and other “manosphere” influencers have courted controversy for views that men are meant to be protectors and providers, and that being too emotionally available or involved in caregiving roles weakens them.
Personally, I’ve never felt that my role as a father — whether changing nappies, waking up with them at 2 a.m., or playing with Barbies — takes away from my masculinity. If anything, having kids might be the most masculine thing I’ve ever done. My perspective, however, is undoubtedly shaped by my own experiences as a bisexual man with many gay friends, a significant number of whom don’t plan to have children. This dynamic adds another layer of complexity to the traditional ideas of masculinity and fatherhood.
In gay and bi circles, the choice not to have children is often tied to a desire for personal freedom, a focus on a career, or the simple reality that society still doesn't always make it easy for same-sex couples to start families. For many, the decision not to have children is not a rejection of responsibility but a redefinition of what it means to live a fulfilling life.
Being a father as a bi man puts me in a unique position within my social milieu. It sometimes feels like I’m straddling two worlds — the traditional expectations of fatherhood and the more fluid, evolving dynamics of modern relationships within the LGBT community. This allows me to see masculinity in a broader sense. For me, masculinity isn’t about conforming to old stereotypes, which were often self-contradictory — like hiding from emotions or shirking responsibility. Instead, it’s about embracing responsibility, nurturing others, and being confident in who I am. It’s a strength rooted in self-awareness and the courage to live authentically.
This holistic understanding of masculinity isn't just something I’ve experienced personally — it’s a shift that’s becoming more visible in society as a whole. Across the media, we see fathers increasingly putting their roles as parents front and centre, defining themselves not by career achievements, material wealth, or exotic holidays, but by the quality time they spend with their children. Nick Bateman, for example, one of Instagram's biggest influencers, became a father around the same time I did. Since then, his content has shifted dramatically, focusing on his life as a family man. A host of other popular male influencers, called “dad influencers”, including Cole LaBrant, Garrett Gee, and Andrew East have also switched their focus to family life and fatherhood. While this might seem like a small change, it’s actually a powerful sign of the times: even influencers are showing that fatherhood and family, rather than status, is what truly matters. Dads are now encouraging one another and discussing their roles as parents more openly than ever. Influencers like Bateman are especially helpful to men like me, who don’t have many “dad friends” to turn to for advice and encouragement.
But all is not well in this burgeoning dadtopia. Society’s attitudes surrounding fatherhood are thankfully updating, but a number of damaging and sexist stereotypes and expectations from the before-times linger on.
While men spending more time being involved as parents is great for their kids and partners, the great challenge is balancing family life with everything else we are expected to be as men. The industrialized world pretends it’s moving away from the gender norms of the past couple of centuries, but when it comes to starting a family, there are still distinctly gendered pressures on both men and women to fulfil certain roles.
In a 2022 survey conducted by the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project, wives who gave their husbands the top rating for “protectiveness” were more likely to be happy in their marriages and less likely to report that divorce might be in their future. Other research shows that women were also happier in marriages where they gave their husbands high marks for masculinity. One study found that 74% of wives who say they are “very happy” in their marriage also rate their husbands as “very masculine.” And nearly two-thirds (64%) of wives who say their husbands are very masculine also say that divorce is not at all likely. A German survey out of the University of Göttingen polled 20,000 single women aged 18 to 67 across 150 countries to determine their most desired qualities in a romantic partner. According to the results, women want their ideal male partner to be attractive, financially secure, kind, supportive, confident, and assertive.
Historically, just as women have been seen as sex objects, men have been seen as success objects. Whether in caveman days, when the best hunter secured the most mates, or throughout recorded history, where wealthier men had vastly expanded romantic opportunities, men have been defined by their achievements. And those who can provide the most resources typically have the best chance of finding a female partner. The popular YouTube channel Better Bachelor posted a video in 2023 explaining how, on dating apps, women only swipe right on the top 1% of men, demanding that their future husband have a six-pack, a six-figure income, a fancy car, and a fantastic sense of humour, among other things. Meanwhile, an OkCupid survey found that women come to the mathematically dubious conclusion that 80% of men on dating apps are “below average” and unattractive. Society may espouse enlightened views on gender norms that transcend old stereotypes, but these preferences are deeply ingrained, whether culturally or biologically, and it’s something every new-model father has to deal with.
But it’s not all about women and mating. While society recognises that many women have issues with body confidence as a result of being defined by their looks, many men have confidence issues because society defines them by their achievements. Even in the modern world, most men still feel the need to achieve — even if just for themselves. This can cause problems when you’re a dad who can’t get anything done. The pressure men put on themselves to be successful, and the realisation that their professional output has fallen far below pre-parent levels, creates negative feelings. You can feel yourself slipping behind and nothing you do seems enough to right the ship. It’s not just frustrating; I think it taps into a primal fear that you aren’t the man you once were.
Every day, I wrestle with this same frustration: looking at a mammoth to-do list that never seems to get completed. It’s a nagging feeling that chips away at a man’s self-esteem, making him feel inadequate and like he’s constantly falling short. Society still hasn't evolved to the point where we fully believe that unpaid work is true work. People are beginning to pay lip service to it, at least, but we aren't yet willing to recognise that parenting is work, and it's the most important work there is.
Some folks might look at me and wonder why I think I have a productivity problem. I co-host one of the world’s most successful LGBT podcasts, I released my first book, which hit number one on the charts earlier this year, I had my own radio show on Virgin Radio last year, and I’m regularly on TV and radio discussing the day’s news. On top of that, I’m a co-owner and Director of one of the UK’s leading PR companies. But the truth is, I’m still not where I want to be. I know deep down that if I didn’t have children, I’d be much more successful and closer to my professional goals. Yes, I have a list of accomplishments, but I can’t help feeling that each one could have been more polished, more impactful, and achieved years earlier if only I had the time and energy to give them my all.
The article you’re reading right now was commissioned five months ago, and it’s been on my to-do list ever since, reminding me of how hard it is to get anything done beyond the essentials. Even on a bank holiday, when I’d planned to write, it hasn’t been as simple as “Daddy is working — go away.” After working seven straight days — five in the office and two in my broadcasting role — I turned down work today to spend time with my kids and finally write this. But between a dinosaur attack on my laptop and my daughter repeatedly closing it, I had to give up. In the end, I decided to wait until the kids were asleep, hoping a tired brain in peace might produce a better article than an alert brain distracted by tireless rugrats.
This is a typical day for a dad working from home. Between work, childcare, and everything else, I feel like a circus performer keeping a dozen plates spinning at the same time. Some might suggest setting better boundaries, but that’s far easier said than done. My kids are used to having my attention, and the truth is, being an involved dad is a sacrifice, and balancing it all so that work, relationships, and friendships survive is no small feat.
As a bi man, I’m not focused on a battle of the sexes but rather on finding ways to navigate this juggling act in our changing world. Bisexuality often provides a unique perspective. By being attracted to both women and men, bi people have an advantage when it comes to understanding multiple sides of gender dynamics and the challenges faced by both sexes. If men can master this balance, it will not only benefit them but also support mothers — a true win-win. Yet, even within progressive-minded circles, this is a conversation many seem reluctant to have.
One of my favourite podcasts is Chris Williamson’s Modern Wisdom. Each episode features fascinating guests who offer insights into productivity and life. But so much of the content doesn’t relate to me as a dad. I barely have time to brush my teeth in the morning, let alone do affirmations. I’m learning great tips from real experts on how to be a more efficient person, but I’m left feeling bad about myself because I simply don’t have the time to implement them. I can’t build a routine because kids constantly throw curveballs that disrupt whatever plan I’m trying to put in place.
This adds to the sense that I’m no longer the man I once was, that I’ve become a slacker because I can’t get through my to-do list. What’s more terrifying is the thought that the person I am now wouldn’t have gotten me to where I am today. It feels like I’m riding the wave of the man I was before I had children, coasting on this other, better man’s coattails. Thank God I’d created some momentum before they came along because I wouldn’t be able to get anything off the ground today in my current state. I’m fortunate that, because of my reputation, opportunities come to me — like this article. I didn’t have to pitch it; I was asked to write it. But the fact that it’s taken months to complete is something I’m ashamed of. If I didn’t have a reputation, I’m sure the editor would have briefed another writer and deleted my contact information months ago.
Much of this comes down to value: the value of having quality time with your kids, of being a good dad, of self-worth, and of feeling a sense of accomplishment. It’s also about the value of all the other people in your life, the ones you want to make time for to show them how much you care. And these values are shifting. While men still have a need (and are expected) to achieve and demonstrate success, we’re all more aware that the economic landscape has transformed over the past couple of generations. Careers are not as stable, benefits are not as good, and the opportunities for non-college-educated people (which describes far more men than women) have narrowed.
This is what men are juggling: a complete change in economic viability, traditional family roles, and a shifting experience of fatherhood, but without the tools to balance, understand, or succeed at it. Many women are trying to navigate this new path too, and that changing dynamic can create friction. Involved dads are no longer delegating how their children are raised; many have a clear vision that doesn’t always match their partner’s. Working from home also takes the mystery out of what men do at work all day, and for some women, seeing their partner take on an increased paternal role can feel like a threatening encroachment. And let’s be honest, trying to still seem sexy to your partner when you’re covered in spit-up or muck, exhausted from sleep deprivation, and lacking in confidence is an uphill battle.
Ultimately, the redefinition of gender roles cannot be a one-sided affair. If men are expected to take on more responsibilities in areas traditionally associated with women, such as childcare and household chores, it’s unrealistic to expect them to do everything without trade-offs. Men can’t be expected to work full-time, come home to immediately take on childcare duties, clean the house, and pursue side projects. It's simply too much, and we need to be mindful of the very real risk of burnout.
The perception that men have historically had it easy does not and cannot mean that modern men should be loaded up with unrealistic expectations. The pressures on men today are complex and multifaceted. They’re increasingly expected to excel in their careers, out-earn female partners, be actively involved fathers, maintain a well-kept home, and still find time for personal growth and hobbies. While it's true that many men need to contribute more at home, it’s equally true that there are limits to how many plates we can keep spinning at the same time. At the end of the day, something has to give. Namely, the expectations of men will need updating to match the new gender norms at home and in the workplace. If we can get this right, it could pay incredible dividends down the road.
I’m genuinely excited for the next generation of children who are growing up with a stronger influence from their dads. Research consistently shows that this involvement is beneficial for children's mental well-being and enriching for us as fathers. However, while this development is widely celebrated — and rightfully so — we have to be realistic about the pressures it places on men. The next stage of this journey is about finding balance. With honest conversations and some cultural give and take, we can create a more fulfilling and sustainable model of fatherhood that benefits everyone involved.
Published Nov 27, 2024
