In Praise of the Stay-at-Home Dad
Currents
With the refusals to return to the office, the rise of quiet quitting, and the Great Resignation, the economy has not as much bounced back post-COVID as bounced sideways. Of all the new normals, however, the rise of the stay-at-home dad — holding steady at a 45% rise on pre-COVID levels — was a curveball that economists had not prepared for; that society is not prepared for. The times are not a-changing, but a-changed. It remains an open question how men, masculinity, and manhood — as well as society’s perception thereof — will navigate these unchartered waters.
To the more long-sighted amongst us, admittedly, the emergence of full-time fatherhood was always less a matter of if than when. Yet, despite the fact that father-son and father-daughter time had been on a steady incline since the 1970s, the graph had begun to plateau during the mid-2000s. “Fathers had essentially been trimming time off sleep and personal leisure and looking after their children instead,” explains Adrienne Burgess, CEO of the Fatherhood Institute, “but by 2015, that had reached its limit of possibilities.” If the plexiglass ceiling of fatherhood was ever to be broken, either a miracle or misfortune of biblical proportions was in order.
Enter, COVID-19.
For millions of men around the world, pandemic lockdowns, layoffs, and working from home constituted an opportunity — a forced opportunity — to experience quotidian fatherhood for the first time. This experience, or sum of experiences, has triggered a profound revaluation of priorities amongst families, old and new. “I learned how to survive as an independent parent, rather than simply a mother’s assistant,” writes Jeremy Davies, a journalist and stay-at-home dad, who had been working and fathering from home pre-pandemic. “I got to know my son inside out. We built a bond that still feels unbreakable.” Now, post-pandemic, Jeremy resembles less an outlier than an early adopter; to paraphrase William James, one of the varieties of masculine experience, which are growing more numerous and nuanced by the hour.
In 2023, according to Britain’s Office for National Statistics, 1 in 9 stay-at-home parents are fathers, up from 1 in 14 in 2019. Yet, the rise of homeworking has perhaps been more revolutionary still — for while working fathers spent 6% of their “office hours” at home in 2015, this figure has skyrocketed to 37% in 2023. Why?
Well, firstly, one need only take a cursory look through any history book to find the predominant factor. In 1923, women accounted for about 20% of the workforce. In 2023, that number stands at 47% and rising. Even 20 years ago, Elizabeth Warren wrote surprisingly well on the rise of the two-income trap in a 2003 book of the same name, showing that often for reasons of financial necessity, stay-at-home parenting was breaking out of its strictly gendered confines. Furthermore, with the economy continuing to become more digital and credential-based, and with women now outnumbering men 6 to 4 in university enrolments, these trends are showing no signs of slowing down.
Secondly, when situated within the context of the modern world, the surging popularity of stay-at-home fatherhood becomes less surprising still: for staying at home in the 21st century is not what it was in the 20th. Jeffrey — who can work online and remain connected to the outside world from the comfort of his own home — is a prime example. The days of the housebound wife and unreachable husband are over; drawn to a dramatic close by the Internet. Careers, too, are not as one-track as in centuries past. Couples can be strategic: alternating career breaks, hybridising part-time and full-time, balancing onsite and remote work, and so forth.
Moreover, stay-at-home considerations aside, fatherhood is not what it was. Provisions alone do not a good father make, nowadays. Thus, while being careful not to besmirch the stoicism and sacrifice of our forefathers, often shaped by the demands of survival and society, we should be grateful that some degree of fatherliness — closeness, literal and figurative — has become both the norm and a prerequisite. In Britain, the amount of time fathers spend looking after their kids increased by almost a fifth between 2015 and 2022: from an average of 47 minutes to 55 minutes per day. Still some room for improvement, one would think.
Indeed, with respect to the amount of time fathers spend in the home, meta-analysis after meta-analysis points to the cascade of positive effects that carry through from childhood to later life. This may be especially helpful to boys, who suffer worse outcomes as a result of absent fathers than do girls on average. Speaking off the oft-cited “crisis of masculinity”, one can mount a defence of the stay-at-home dad from a variety of social and political positions — no matter how fringe. Are you a “redpill” or “manosphere” acolyte railing against the feminization of childhood? Are you a hardcore social conservative harping about the problem of fatherlessness in black communities? Are you a “population collapse” doomer worrying about plummeting birth rates? It seems plausible — if not probable — that swinging wide the door to stay-at-home fatherhood could potentially ameliorate all three, and many more problems besides.
And yet, a stigma persists. Relative to new normals, old norms have remained steadfast. Though at a historical low, sexism — manifest and latent, male and female — has remained obstinate; an obstacle to individual and collective optimums. The conformity-inducing jokes of cuckoldry, pussydom, and pants-wearing aside — a male-on-male crime of orthodoxy — the fear and self-loathing surrounding stay-at-home fatherhood is not a one-sided affair. To this day, almost 25% of women say they would refuse to support a spouse who looked after the house and kids, compared to 8% of men. If family life is to level up, both sexes must level up accordingly.
It is not a question of pride or propaganda, after all, but practicality. Civilizationally speaking, the context has changed. Thanks to technology and modernity writ large, the times are not as time-consuming as generations past. For the first time in human history, as the straitjacket of subsistence has loosened, fathers have freedom — real freedom — to father; a freedom that civilization would be foolish not to embrace. Yet, with respect to stigma, foolishness prevails. As technology changes the economy, the economy changes the culture — sometimes for the better. How long until stay-at-home fatherhood makes the quantum leap from cringe to based? It’s hard to say. However, to all those currently standing by the ocean yelling at the waves to stop, I would say one thing: you’re about to get wet.
Published Mar 17, 2023
Updated Jun 12, 2023
