What I Wish I’d Known About Sex When I Was Your Age
Currents
I come to you from the Land of Old at age 79. Over six decades, I’ve had experiences, lovers, fantasies (unrealized and realized), crushes (requited and unrequited), relationships I thought would last forever (which didn’t), tears over breakups and losses, long periods of solitude, and new loves. I’ve figured out what I like and what I want. Though it took me decades, I’ve learned to communicate this to a partner. My usual work is helping seniors enrich or recapture their sexual pleasure, but on occasion, I work with younger people, or “seniors-in-training”, about what I know now that I wish I had known at their age. I’m reaching over the generational divide to share with you, whatever your age, how better to explore your evolving sexual self, communicate your sexual needs, evaluate whether or not a relationship is working, and find lessons in relationships that end.
Life is all about change
It might seem like your current state of sexual being is permanent, but it isn’t. You will change. What kind of sex you want and how you want it will evolve. Your body and its needs will change. What you need and want in a partner will evolve. And your relationships, no matter how stable they may seem now, will change.
They will grow, stagnate, or end.
Growth takes work, but it’s the only way a relationship can thrive long-term. For a relationship to stay frozen in time while the partners and environment shift around it is for the relationship to stagnate, which is corrosive. In the end, not every relationship works out, and sometimes ending it is a smart decision. Don’t be dismayed by change. People who fear change often find themselves stuck in behavior or relationships that no longer nourish them. Embrace the next step in your journey, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
Communication skills are essential for extraordinary sex
The key to sexual satisfaction now and through the decades ahead is learning to talk about your sexual needs, desires, and boundaries. Many seniors never learned how to ask partners for what we need for arousal and orgasm. From what younger people tell me, that issue hasn’t gotten any better over the years. It’s easy to talk about sex, but far more difficult to reveal your personal wishes and requirements, especially when they don’t match the default expectations. But do it anyways. Trust me, it’s worth it.
Telling yourself that your partner should “just know” what turns you on or gets you off is wishful, faulty thinking. Mind-reading is not a thing and expecting your partner to read yours sets both of you up for failure. If you find yourself unfulfilled, doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results is a recipe for dissatisfaction. It’s up to you to communicate — not up to your partner to guess. The time to start practicing this is now.
Learn to say, “This is what my body needs.”
Learn to ask and answer, “How would you like to be pleasured today?”
Say what you want instead of what you don’t want, whenever possible. For example:
“It turns me on when you seduce me into sex,” instead of “It turns me off when you assume I’m ready for sex when you are.”
“Let’s include my vibrator during sex, because that’s the best way I reach orgasm,” instead of, “I don’t reach orgasm this way.”
“Let’s have sex after you shower. I love it when you’re deliciously clean,” instead of “No blow jobs when you’re this smelly.”
When I give presentations on this topic to younger people — college-aged and up — I’m often told, “I would never dare ask for what I want sexually. I’m afraid that my partner would say no, or be offended or disgusted, or break up with me.” If you ask for what you want, the answer may be no, but it may also be yes. If you don’t ask, however, the answer is automatically no! It might seem like you have a lot to lose by asking your partner for what you sexually want, but in truth, you have more to lose by not asking!
I once had a friend with benefits who told me, “I really appreciate it when you direct me. I want to please you, and it helps when you tell me how.” A partner who wants to please you should be open to your requests. If not, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t prioritize your sexual pleasure?
If what you need is drastically at odds with what your partner feels comfortable doing or vice versa, maybe the relationship isn’t right. I hear from seniors who have been miserable in their relationships for decades because of sexual incompatibility. They didn’t think this was a good enough reason to break things off, and they regret that now. Don’t let anyone tell you that sex isn’t that important. It is. Sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to move on.
Joan & Italian boyfriend Marcello in Florence, Italy, 1966.
Relationships sometimes end, and that’s not always bad
As sex advice columnist and podcaster Dan Savage says, “Just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean it failed. All relationships end — until one doesn’t.” A lover may have been right for you in the past, but then you change, and they change, and the interaction gets stuck in a holding pattern where no one is happy.
I was in an eight-year relationship starting in my late 30s. When it was good, it was exhilarating. But the bad moments became longer, more frequent, and more painful. Sobbing in the car while driving home one day, I shouted to myself, “I’d rather be lonely because I’m alone than lonely because I’m with the wrong person!” That powerful realization helped me make the decision to get out. Were the eight years wasted? No. I learned what I wanted and didn’t want. I moved on to better relationships and a clearer understanding of who I was, what I needed, and what I had to give. I only wish I’d ended it earlier.
Endings are hard. I’ve learned over many relationships that a breakup doesn’t close a door. It opens possibilities to what — and who! — will come next. I met my great love Robert at age 57, after many years of single life and short-term relationships. When he died seven years after our first kiss, I thought I’d never let anyone else into my heart. I met my current partner at age 73. I’m not saying it has to take that long for you, just that it’s never too late for life to give you joy.
Be prepared and willing to move on if a relationship is no longer good for you. Be honest with your partner about needing to go. If your partner ends it, give yourself time to grieve the parting, but know that eventually, you’ll look back and be grateful for the new paths that breakup opened. Look at what you gain from being out of that relationship, not just what you lose. Appreciate the parts of yourself that are now free to develop. Ask yourself, “What do I know now about what I do and don’t want in a relationship?” If you made mistakes in this relationship, what can you change in yourself so the next one is better? Be alone for a while to learn who you are independent of a partner.
Expand your sexual repertoire for lifelong satisfying sex
Now is the time to start expanding your idea about what good sex is. Explore non-penetrative sex. Have goal-free sex and see what happens. Test out sex toys and other accessories. If you have your go-to way to have sex — a favorite activity or a certain position that rings your bells — experiment with other ways and have a backup plan. Your plan B may become your plan A later on, plus you learn to experiment.
If you have strong opinions about what kind of sex is right for you versus what needs to be off-limits, examine where those beliefs came from. Religion? Parents? Societal norms? Your peer group? Examine whether these limit you from expressing your true sexual self. Sometimes we have to unlearn our upbringing. This is especially true for my age group, and sometimes for yours. I encourage you to differentiate the sexual beliefs and behavior you were taught from those that are personally authentic.
It’s worth educating yourself about how sex changes with aging before you need the information. (My website is a good starting place.) Staying open to change over the years will serve you well in the future. When joints get wonky, or arousal isn’t as easy, or when you and your partner need different things, you’ll have the tools to adapt.
Invent and reinvent yourself
This may seem obvious when you’re young, horny, and adventurous, but it’s easy to fall into a sexual pattern, whatever your age. It’s okay to experiment and decide you don’t like something that attracted you at first. Don’t blame or shame yourself, just learn from your experience. If a partner is into something you’re not, you don’t have to participate, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong or shameful. We want what we want.
If there is one overarching lesson that I would beam back to my younger self with my hindsight machine, it’s to continually create, expand, and reevaluate your personal definition of great sex. Be willing to change as time passes. Don’t go a year without being able to say, “Here’s what I learned about my sexual needs and pleasure,” and “Here’s what I learned about the kind of relationship I need.” And if possible, learn from my mistakes so you don’t have to make all the same ones! Above everything, enjoy the journey!
Published Apr 10, 2023
