One of my favorite Instagram posts is a photo my partner took of me early in our relationship. In it, I am wearing a bedazzled purple strap-on dildo, a Satanic headdress, and black electrical tape over my nipples.

There’s a story behind that picture, obviously. I had just given a speech at a bookstore in Brooklyn, which ended with a burlesque performance to a recording of “Personal Jesus.” I had worn a red and black ball gown with a wide petticoat, so I could hide the glitter dick until it was time for the grand reveal. When Depeche Mode sang the words “Reach out and touch faith”, I removed the gown, revealing my sparkly member (which I bedazzled myself, I may add), and the crowd went wild. The performance was a smashing success, and my partner snapped the picture to commemorate the occasion. I gave little thought to the IG post that followed other than to bask in the distinctly modern joy of receiving hundreds of likes and supportive comments from my beloved slutty followers.

Joy, however, was not the reaction when my partner’s mother — who liked to check up on her son online — saw that post. In fact, she was full-on crying when she called him to ask who this slutty (and possibly Satanic) new girlfriend was. I’m glad to say that my boyfriend supported and stood up for me and that after two years and many hours of IRL quality time spent with his mom, I’ve won her over. Still, moms are moms, and visiting my partner’s conservative family around the holidays remains a significant source of stress. I’m far from alone in feeling that way, I know. There’s a reason why Ben Stiller’s 2000 film Meet the Parents was such a blockbuster. It’s an extremely relatable source of stress for everyone — even boring, monogamous dudes whose biggest challenge is a quirky but lovable Robert De Niro.

Anyone with a liberated attitude toward sex knows what it’s like to be confronted with the sex-negative viewpoints of generations past. Sex workers, sex writers, and sex activists have always been forced to struggle against regressive and judgmental assumptions around sex on a daily basis in the very pursuit of their livelihood. Luckily for those of us in the age of the Internet, sex-positive individuals can now use social media to connect more easily with their community and chosen family, and online platforms exist to offer a safe space for slutty self-expression. Of course, the Internet also amplifies our difficulties and creates complications of its own (and we’ll get to that in a minute, don’t worry), but it also empowers us by letting us act louder, prouder, and sluttier than ever before. As a result, many people today can call themselves “slut” with pride.

"The word 'slut' has been reclaimed," says clinical psychologist and certified sexologist Denise Renye, Ph.d. "It describes someone who is sex-positive, doesn't conform to the antiquated ways of keeping people small, monogamous, and pleasureless. And a wide range of people, from introverted perverts to shy sluts, are now finding spaces online to be more themselves. They can be more open, relaxed, and free.”

As all but the most naïve of us know, however, the Internet is not always an accepting place. It’s very easy to get caught up in a sex-positive bubble online, and we often forget that being a slut — or being queer or non-monogamous or living any alternative lifestyle — is still considered controversial, if not downright evil, outside of our own liberal circles. The increased visibility that comes with your expanded personal freedom also means an increased likelihood of being exposed to judgment from family members who may not be so on board with your sexually liberated lifestyle — and that’s true even if you aren't wearing a Satanic headdress and a bedazzled strap-on.

"Having an outward internet presence as sex-positive, a sex worker, or otherwise pro-sex can definitely create problems when meeting a partner's family, depending on the culture of that family," Renye says.

What makes it worse is that our image online — as again, we all know — is not exactly accurate. While I'd love to be a superhero in a sparkling dildo every day of my life, that's simply not the case. For most people, social media is for, well, socializing; for many sluts, however, it's also a professional tool. That means it's in our best interest to present the amplified, superhero version of ourselves, even if the standard edition wears leggings, a concert t-shirt, and is too busy running errands and meeting work deadlines to put on false eyelashes, let alone a bedazzled strap-on.

This doesn't stop us from comparing ourselves unfairly to our enemies, though. Nor does it prevent our partner's parents from making snap judgments based on a first impression from Instagram. While we may find a safe haven on social media, it’s wise to remember that it also provides a home for hateful, far-right, and all manner of other closed-minded communities. Because of this, your partner's traditional family may have burrowed even deeper into their “old-fashioned values” lately, and their judgments of you are an unknown quantity until you get a chance to test the waters — a luxury that is challenging to maintain when you have a very public slutty presence on the Internet.

"Social media has certainly given access to sex-positive information and provided a place for like-minded people to connect, which leads to many feeling like they can be more open about their sexuality," says psychotherapist and sex therapist Dulcinea Pitagora, Ph.d., LCSW, CST. "But it's a double-edged sword given the amount of misinformation that's also spread via social media, as well as targeted sex negativity," they say. "It depends on what kind of social media bubble one creates for oneself."

So what happens, when, due to love (or even just great dick), these bubbles collide over Thanksgiving dinner and burst?

"The prospect gives me a ton of anxiety since I have to talk around what I do for work when I'm socializing with my in-laws," says Taylor, a queer sex worker, journalist, and activist who asked to remain anonymous due to the dangers of being an out slut. "Sometimes I wish I could share the more literary or political side of what I do, but since that's under the same name as my Google-able porn work, it's just not worth the potential grief and discomfort."

Family can impact a relationship more than we (or our partners) care to admit. It's natural to care about your parent’s opinions, and those who grew up in a liberal household may not understand the difficulties of being raised in a socially conservative home. It takes guts to rebel against your family's viewpoint by being yourself.

When you’re a slut in a relationship, it’s crucial not to take out your anger on your partner when it’s really directed at their traditional relatives. Someone may have struggled their whole life for the right to be themselves with a conservative family, and you don’t want to set them back. As a result, sometimes you have to play the game, and that could mean avoiding sexual or political subjects at dinner.

“It’s really up to [the slut in question] how they want to handle it,” Pitagora says. “It also depends on how safe and protected they feel by their partner [with the conservative family], how strong their support system is, and how strong their internal resources are. It’s a personal decision to disclose information that might result in poor treatment, and it’s great when someone feels strong enough to do this, but there’s also no shame in picking one’s battles and making sure one feels safe and supported before doing so.”

To put it more directly, if a Thanksgiving gathering requires the holy whore (aka the slut getting quizzed at dinner) to put aside their divine thoughts on the failings of traditional monogamy to help get a ring on that finger, then, by all means, do what you have to do. The details of your life aren't their business, anyway.

"I've typically kept the particulars of our business vague at first introductions," says Lawrence Johnson, co-founder and CEO of Pure for Men, a wellness brand founded by and designed for gay men (even that is a euphemism for the masses who don’t need to know that they make fiber pills so power bottoms don’t shit on any dicks). His partner, co-founder and CMO of Pure for Men, Fabian Pardo, agrees. There are other ways to authentically express yourself rather than ramble on about the detailed benefits of fiber supplements and bidets within a gay relationship.

"My go-to is 'I do marketing for a men's hygiene brand, and we focus on creating confidence for gay men,'" Pardo says. "I hate to make people feel uncomfortable, so I try to focus on the common ground of confidence for sexy time." They add that, for better or worse, sometimes things get easier with the family when you have success to back up your controversial bits. "It's been helpful to demonstrate financial stability, earn respect among my own family, our friends, and in our local community for a while, and then drop those details further down the line," Johnson says. "Take them on a few all-expense-paid trips abroad, and as long as we remain ethical and respectful of their values, they're on board!"

Alas, many sluts do not have the benefit of financial stability. In a sex-negative world, where sexuality is policed both online and off, making a living can be hard. Don't let society trick you into thinking that you are only worthy of love and acceptance after you start earning enough to foot vacations, and don't let society fool you into thinking that you aren't worthy of abundance, either. In any case, whether or not you're where you want to be monetarily, there are tricks you can implement to make family dinners easier.

For instance, it's okay to go ahead and dress more conservatively when spending time with your partner's family. Never be someone that you're not. You should dress in your style, but if you need to swap out a mini dress for a knee-length pencil skirt to hide the tattoo on your thigh of a woman in bondage, go for it. Rock that retro style, as long as it still makes you feel confident.

Another crucial rule in meeting the parents is not to take things personally. Remember, their attitude stems from centuries-old sex-negative beliefs that have likely been ingrained in them their entire life. While we want to think that society is getting more accepting, one has only to look at Instagram’s latest censorship rules to see that’s not the case.

Millennials and Gen Zers like to act as if they invented queer culture, but your partner’s conservative mom has likely hated gay and bi people for a very long time. The scariest realization is that your Instagram is not the first time sex-positivity has shocked these people. Pitagora points out that many may have lived through multiple fluctuations in sexual progressiveness during the 60s and 70s, so we shouldn’t assume that their sex negativity is new or even unique to you.

The first step before meeting your partner’s judgmental family is for you both to get on the same page. "It's important to have discussions with one's partner before meeting the more conservative family members so that you are solid in supporting each other," Renye says.

Remember, your partner may be related to their family, but that does not mean that they share the same political viewpoints. In fact, it’s likely a huge source of stress for them, and it may have taken them years of striving for acceptance in order to finally be on good terms with their family. You do not want to rock that boat.

The number one rule is to always let your partner's relatives be the ones talking shit. The minute you try to get between someone and their family, you become an enemy. “I do know that my partner would unequivocally side with me if their family tried to make it an issue. They're queer and leather, so we make that stand together, but it's their allyship of me as a sex worker that is especially meaningful to me,” Taylor says.

So what happens if you're playing nice, but someone still makes a jab at you over the holidays and your partner doesn't stand up for you? Hint: You may need a getaway car.

"If your partner sides with the family, this is good information regarding your partner. You could ask your partner to have a conversation away from the family members and make any request that may help you feel safe. This may include asking that this conversation end, requesting that your partner show empathy for you, or informing your partner that you will be leaving this event," Renye says. “Always be sure to have a way to get yourself home independently,” she adds.

If your partner continues to leave you to the wolves, it's likely time to make the difficult decision regarding whether they are someone with whom you can realistically see a future.

Depending on your partner's relationship with their family and how far your relationship together goes, their family could become your family. At that point, everyone must stop clutching their pearls over an Instagram post and decide once and for all to make peace, if for nothing else than over the shared bond of love for their child. "The main issue I hear from clients is feeling uncomfortable having to lie about who they are or what they do to keep the peace with their partner's or partners' family," Pitagora says.

Ideally, the parents will meet you, adore you, and fall in love with you just as their child did. Or, over time, they will come around — after all, that’s what happened to me.

And if they don't come around? At some point, you're going to have to stop trying to win their approval. "This is a personal decision and can only be made by the person in question," Pitagora says. "But I would say when people show no signs of respecting personal choices that differ from their own and no sign of working on trying to be more respectful and compassionate, it's a good idea to decide how much time and emotional labor you want to keep spending on them, and how much influence you want them to have on you and the way you feel about yourself."

The fact is, if you are a proud slut you probably already know that you don’t need some Trump-voting Fox News junkie’s approval, even if they did create the person you're in love with. At a certain point, we must accept that some people are and always will be haters. You know this. It's why you live your life authentically. Ideally, your love interest will recognize the harm their family is inflicting and either step in to intervene or step back to reduce your exposure. "You do not owe an explanation for you, your beliefs, or your choices in this lifetime to anyone. Hopefully, you are solid enough in your relationship, wherein this will not cause any hurt to either party of the relationship," Renye says.

You don't need the approval of your partner’s family — and if it's causing more stress than it's worth, then frankly, you don't require the approval of your partner, either. There are plenty of sex-positive fish in the sea. “Whorephobia, queerphobia, and slut-shaming are so monstrous,” Taylor says. “People become possessed by them and often get very lost in their own fear. You don't need anyone's approval to be who you are. You are allowed to have boundaries around your relationships. Make sure the people you get involved with enough to meet their family are ready to go to bat for you!”

While the situation with my current partner’s family eventually worked out, they were certainly not the first to take issue with who I am, my queerness, and my profession as a sex writer. I've had family dinners in past relationships where not a single person would even acknowledge my presence at the table. Dating is hard, meeting the parents is terrifying, and dating someone who comes from a different culture or religion can feel damn near impossible, especially when it's inflicting harm on both your relationship and your sense of self.

It's heartbreaking to have to end a relationship over family drama. All you can think about is how perfect it was when you were alone. Anger over the cruelty of society can take over, leaving you to wonder if love is possible, but all you have to do is look around at your friends, and your chosen family, to know that it is. "For many, finding a chosen family can literally be life-saving. Especially for those whose lives don't follow mainstream paths, cultivating a chosen family as a source of mutual support can be an important way to feel confident in speaking your truth and living according to your values, despite what others may think about it," Pitagora says.

Once you cultivate a chosen family, coping with the prospect of meeting a partner's family becomes more manageable, too. Remember that you don't have to be poly to understand that you can't get everything from one person. All sluts deserve a coven of folks who will have their back no matter what form of potential evil in-laws appear; that way, someone will always be there to remind you that love does exist and you do deserve acceptance.

And frankly, any adult who can’t stand up to their parents is probably incredibly boring in bed, so get out while you can. They don’t deserve you, and they don’t deserve your bedazzled dildo.

Published Apr 19, 2022
Updated Sep 2, 2024