Currents

Monogamy is ancient. It stretches back beyond human history. Biologists have even observed monogamy evolve in species where it is advantageous to constrain a partner’s (or one’s own) sexual interactions with others. For example, many species guard their mates to prevent them from getting pregnant by another (i.e., cuckoldry) or from spending resources that could otherwise be spent on shared offspring. The logic is that those who restrict their partner’s sexual behavior will be less likely to face zero-sum rivalries with other partners; less likely to have resources diverted to someone else; less likely to raise someone else’s offspring; and less likely to contract sexually transmitted infections (STIs). It helps to be possessive, to persuade or to coerce a partner into exclusivity, or to invent norms and institutions that enforce monogamy (e.g., marriage) when a partner’s separate romances can harm you. And yet, cheating in ostensibly monogamous relationships is far too widespread to simply ignore.

It’s important to note that not all non-monogamy is equally risky. A hot, secretive tryst under the guise of presumed monogamy (i.e., infidelity) entails more sexual health risks, such as unwanted pregnancy or STI transmission, and instigates more conflict and breakups than consensual or ethical non-monogamy. Types of ethical non-monogamy include polyamorous relationships (multiple loving relationships with the consent of all involved), swinging (multiple sexual relationships often among or with couples), and other models where partners mutually agree to have multiple intimacies. Rather than pursue multiple relationships without concern for possible consequences, people in consensually non-monogamous relationships provide their partner(s) with the openness and honesty they need to ensure that their existing pair bond remains stable and rewarding.

People in monogamous couplings who want to open up their relationship are generally advised by relationship experts to “communicate” first. This allows couples to avoid interpersonal issues or address them head-first before they arise. Of course, this is vague advice and does not address the challenges of having multiple partners. Consensual non-monogamy offers an alternative approach to monogamy, one that can navigate these challenges and preserve valuable, intimate relationships without the need to completely forbid a partner’s sexual or romantic life with others.

Relationship Maintenance Practices

A closer look at what consensually non-monogamous people do to maintain their relationships reveals diverse and nuanced practices around a wide variety of issues that will invariably come up: dealing with jealousy; fear of abandonment; envy and competition among partners; childcare and family management; and — where having multiple partners is stigmatized — reputation and social standing. If these practices could be compiled and scientifically verified to work, they might be adopted more readily by those wishing to incorporate them into their romantic relationship(s).

This is why I assembled a team of 39 scientists who specialize in relationships, sexuality, and evolution to study the relationship maintenance practices of consensually non-monogamous people. What can we learn from folks who have discovered how to effectively manage multiple relationships? Their practices could help a lot of people and prevent a lot of misery. What if cheating and other kinds of infidelity were not the only options for people wishing to form sexual or romantic connections outside of a monogamous relationship? What if there were an alternative to lying?

We recruited over 400 people experienced with consensual non-monogamy to build a list of best and worst practices. We then used these responses to create a self-report measure to see how often people adhere to each practice (i.e., the Multiple Relationships Maintenance Scale; MRMS). We administered surveys that included the MRMS as well as questions designed to measure relationship quality to an international sample of nearly 3,000 people. We expected that those who engage in the MRMS practices would report more satisfaction in their relationship(s), less conflict with their partner(s), and better physical and mental health outcomes. We haven’t published our study yet, but I’ll give you the scoop: our data suggests that they do.

Below, I run through each of the best practices that we identified and discuss how they might help anyone manage multiple relationships — particularly those making the switch from monogamy to non-monogamy.

Broaching the Subject of Non-monogamy

Given the intensity of emotions we all experience when we feel our relationship may be at risk, it can be difficult to start a conversation about non-monogamy with a partner. It may help to introduce interest gradually — before you have formed any other romantic or sexual connection. If the connection already exists, a partner might assume that infidelity has occurred (perhaps it has!), and now you must overcome attachment injury too. Instead, build trust early by including your partner in your discovery and exploration of non-monogamy. This may be uncomfortable at first, but the more time a partner has time to anticipate, talk through, and prepare for opening up your relationship before a perceived threat is present, the safer they will feel to reason through their emotions and explore what non-monogamy might mean for their existing relationship with you. While stumbling forward into a situation is less work at the beginning, the resultant mess and damage are generally far more difficult to deal with after.

Disclose Your Other Attractions

It’s common within a monogamous relationship to hide your attraction to other people. Talking about a crush or revealing your affections can trigger jealousy and lead to destructive reactions. Hiding these attractions might feel like a kindness or a convenience. It may feel like a way to keep the peace or show respect. However, people notice when their partner might be attracted to someone else. In the absence of knowing how and to what extent they are attracted (e.g., is it purely physical or sexual? Is it something deeper and more intimate?), it is common to wildly speculate. This leads to suspicious jealousy, which wears away at relationship quality.

The default solution among monogamous folks is to promise never to act on those attractions. Alternatively, you could tell your partner your true feelings and intentions. In our sample, people in consensually non-monogamous relationships were more likely to report disclosing their attractions to a partner. Interestingly, regardless of whether the respondents were monogamous or consensually non-monogamous, being open about these attractions was associated with better relationship quality.

Why?

We suspect that disclosure helps a partner because it precludes jealous speculation. That is, rather than imagine a dozen different scenarios about how and whether your partner might be attracted to someone, you can now be certain of one scenario — reality. You are substituting an infinite number of anxious, hypothetical scenarios for one that you can observe and understand. Equipped with this knowledge, both partners can reason through how another relationship might progress given the reality of the situation.

Open Communication about Negative Emotions

In a monogamous context, revealing your attraction to someone else may cause emotional distress in your partner. Doubly so if you’ve formed a romantic or sexual bond without laying the necessary groundwork and receiving full, informed consent in advance. There may be jealousy (“Are you spending attention and money on them that you used to spend on me?”); envy (“Are they more attractive than I am?”); betrayal and anger (“How could you jeopardize our life together like this?”); disgust and avoidance (“I don’t even want to be near you right now!”); apathy (“I don’t care about you or your experiences!”); and shame (“How will others view me?”).

It is important to remember that these emotions serve a function. They are self-protective. Jealousy protects valued relationships, anger motivates fighting for fair treatment, envy promotes self-improvement (or destruction of others, as it turns out), disgust leads to avoidance of contamination and danger, and shame preserves reputation and social status. The common element of each is that the person experiencing them perceives a threat to their well-being and is motivated to address the threat. When these emotions arise, it can help to feel able to share and discuss them. People in our study who reported feeling freer to communicate about jealousy likewise reported less conflict and higher relationship quality. Importantly, even if they did not actually communicate about jealousy very often, they felt comfortable doing so if needed. The ability to have open discussions is invaluable in helping partners cooperatively process jealousy and other negative emotions and thereby improve their relationship.

Sexual Health Maintenance

As might be expected, people with larger sexual networks are more likely to contract STIs unless everyone gets tested regularly. Pathogens are a tangible threat to well-being, so regular maintenance of sexual health is considered a must in consensually non-monogamous circles. If your partner is sexually active with someone else and you feel some fear or disgust as a result, it could be, in part, a hardwired reaction to a risk of disease or unplanned pregnancy. Also, disgust can inhibit libido, so a partner may be less willing to express sexual interest and affection. If your partner is being risky, disgust and avoidance make sense. It’s important to set boundaries around sexual health.

Some best practices include using condoms with new sexual partners, limiting the number of new sexual partners, getting regularly tested for STIs, and speaking with partners about their sexual health habits (e.g., PReP use and STI vaccination status). An internet search (or ChatGPT) will yield many additional helpful tips. In service of harmony among multiple relationship partners, sexual health maintenance creates an environment where everyone has less reason to worry about unsafe sex.

Thoughtful Resource Distribution

Not all risks can be addressed with safer sex practices, however. A partner’s involvement with someone else can (and likely will) lead them to spend their time and effort differently. And if you’ve grown accustomed to your partner being at home every night or spending their romantic attention only on you, another relationship can disrupt these expected patterns. Understandably, this can lead to anger or jealousy because these emotions can motivate us to preserve the status quo or correct perceived unfairness.

This may be the most complicated problem to overcome because partners don’t always agree on what is “fair.” It can help to communicate about how resources are being divided among partners and check how time and money are spent, particularly near the start of a new relationship when partners’ habits are unsettled. Our participants reported greater satisfaction and more nurturance and closeness when they had open communication and were thoughtful about how they spend time, effort, and resources on their partner(s).

It’s easy for inequalities to unintentionally emerge if, for example, you experience “new relationship energy.” New relationships inherently involve excitement, obsessive thoughts about the new partner, and a desire to court and impress. People often don’t feel or act the same way in a long-term relationship where passion shares space with tamer feelings of familiar intimacy and commitment. As a result, it can seem to an established partner that they are less important or less desired if a newer partner is the target of infatuation and passion. To resolve this, keep dating your established partner: set aside regular time to do fun activities together, go on dates, or otherwise foster passion and excitement. And make it unique — it’s not exactly romantic to feel like you are receiving the same recycled date experience as someone else.

But, of course, the established partner is not the only person who may have needs and desires that go unfulfilled. As much as a new partner may enjoy being the focus of passion, an established partner may enjoy the most domestic time together outside of dates, or otherwise have greater access to the fruits of long-term investment and shared living. The optimal approach may be recognizing that different kinds of attention may hold different values for different partners. True, three hours on a steamy date with one partner and three hours at a family event with another is equal time spent. But if each partner is habitually closed out from the other experience, it can be easy to envy what the other is receiving even if the net time spent is the same. Rather than treat partners exactly the same, it may be better to ensure that they’re receiving what they need and expect from the relationship.

Partner (non)Hierarchy

Some people designate “primary” or “secondary/tertiary” partners to establish a partner hierarchy. These labels typically differentiate how partners’ opinions and desires are given weight when negotiating how time, attention, and resources are being shared. For example, a primary partner may be given the power to veto certain interactions (“You can have sex, but you can’t stay the night”). If there’s a conflict, a primary partner may automatically receive preferential support. One reason people establish partner hierarchy may be to create a greater sense of stability or to guard access to money, inheritance, and other resources. In this way, hierarchy can preserve an established relationship by making it clear to the primary partner that their needs will continue to be taken seriously and that other parties will not exert major influence over the couple’s life decisions.

Hierarchy may feel familiar to those opening up from monogamy because it preserves existing status imbalance between a primary partner and, well, everyone else. But this can cause other partners to feel that their happiness in the relationship is contingent on the whims of the primary partner(s). Some forms of consensual non-monogamy — in particular, polyamory — discourage hierarchy because it can restrict how partners explore and build their relationships. It can also make some partners feel less than or relegated to second-class status. Without a rigid hierarchy in place, partners can find a natural balance based on compatibility. For example, if two partners both love going to the gym and inspire each other to work out, perhaps they should lean into that.

It should be noted, though, that there is limited published scientific research on partner hierarchy, and what little exists doesn’t clearly show whether hierarchy is better or worse for relationships. We likewise do not observe an association between hierarchy and overall relationship quality in our sample. I suspect it depends on how well the (non)hierarchy fits the preferences of each partner. Some may thrive under the clear boundaries of hierarchy; others may desire a more fluid, dynamic approach.

Sex Beyond One Partner

Sharing can be caring. Having a sexual experience with more than one of your partners can be mutually positive both in the bedroom and beyond. Of course, becoming involved with a partner’s partner doesn’t always work because preferences and desires may be different, and of course, jealousy, envy, etc., can lead to tensions. But if your preferences align (e.g., you all find each other attractive), and you can build close friendships to prevent rivalry, shared sexual experiences can not only be incredibly hot, but they can help build more connected and rewarding relationships. In our sample, we found that those who shared in a partner’s sexual activity with another person said they were not only more sexually satisfied but also felt closer to their partner. This may be because sex is not only pleasurable but often stimulates feelings of connectedness.

The potential for shared sexual experiences may be why people in consensually non-monogamous relationships are more likely to be bisexual. Our team observed that bi people were more likely to report disclosing their attractions, communicating about jealousy, feeling compersion (more on this later), and considering how resources are shared among partners compared to straight folks. Furthermore, couples with at least one bisexual partner were more likely to report bringing a third person into the bedroom. If partners are matched on attraction (e.g., both are attracted to men and/or women), this can make it easier to relate to and communicate about the other’s sexual experiences and attractions.

When your partner is having sex with another person, it may become a source of uncertainty if you worry that their connection might diminish or replace yours. On the other hand, if you are included in the action — which may or may not include actually being physically intimate with your partner’s partner — you can paint a more accurate picture of their sexual dynamic rather than fall into the trap of anxious speculation. Some people may not want to know this information, but for others, it can be a major turn-on. Either way, shared, mutual knowledge of what is or isn’t going on can build trust, affection, and possibly even pleasure between all parties.

Compersion

Finally, some people in our study report feeling happy (rather than distressed) that a partner is having a satisfying experience with another person. This reaction is called “compersion.” Imagine that a close friend has just met someone with whom they have excellent romantic chemistry. Their mood is elevated, they feel energized, and whenever you see them, they’re so much more fun to be around. Most people would be happy for their friend (and to have such a friend!). Now imagine that this isn’t a friend, but your romantic partner.

Again, being upset can be reasonable because a partner’s sex and attachment with another person could, under some circumstances, be a legitimate threat to your well-being. But let’s also imagine that you’ve addressed any issues. Your partner uses safer sex practices to prevent STIs or unwanted pregnancy. They’ve consistently shown that this other relationship will not detract from intimacy with you or the investments that you’ve made in a shared life together. Their other partner treats both of you with respect and is a positive influence on your and your partner’s habits and quality of life. If these concerns are addressed, it becomes easier to appreciate your partner’s partner; to see the value that they add.

In our sample, we found that compersion was most strongly related to feelings of nurturance, care, and support with a partner. Perhaps if you are able to set aside unwarranted pessimism and instead appreciate (if not enjoy) the benefits that a partner’s extra-pair relationship affords, this builds mutual caregiving and goodwill between you and your partner(s). In essence, you will have demonstrated to your partner(s) that you are not acting out of fear or anxiety. Instead, you are there for them, interested in enhancing their well-being.

These practices may resolve the challenges common to opening up a relationship and address the practical concerns that underlie negative experiences some people have. Our study supports this claim, but it’s important to note that we collected correlational survey data. This means that people who engage in these practices report higher relationship quality, but we don’t know exactly why. Perhaps people who mindfully do these things improve their relationships through them. Alternatively, maybe people who are already happy in their relationships are willing and able to disclose their attractions, communicate about negative emotions, etc. Whatever the case, we found that people who report more experience with polyamory, swinging, and open relationships are more likely to report these practices.

Monogamy is a fine solution to the challenges of having multiple partners if both partners are unbothered to forgo other relationships. But just as abstinence-only sex education regularly fails to protect those with a sex drive from unwanted pregnancy, STIs, and other issues, monogamy can fail to protect from a whole slew of relationship harms. In as much as humans have invented tools and customs to soften the often draconian solutions to other ancient problems, ethical non-monogamy can be a way to resolve the challenges of having sex or forming a romantic attachment with more than one person. Affairs and infidelity are as old as monogamy. They are temptations most people have and which many people succumb to. Rather than being faithfully monogamous but unhappy, or pretending to be monogamous while lying and sneaking around, there may be a better, more consensual way.

Published Nov 8, 2023