Dating Double Standards: The Biphobia Women Won't Admit
Currents
In my eight years as a bi writer, campaigner, and pundit, I’ve noticed there’s one bi issue in particular that raises tensions every time it gets brought up: the bias many women have against bi men in the dating market. Many feel that discussing this topic is an attempt at “shaming” women into saying they find bi men attractive, which is definitely not the intention. Let’s be clear, there’s nothing wrong with not finding bi men attractive. After all, attractions are largely hormonal, not rational. If, for whatever reason, the idea of a bisexual man doesn't make someone tingly, that's not a problem. The problem is when some women justify their disinterest in bi men by using biphobic prejudices such as the belief that bi men are actually gay, or will inevitably cheat, or are too hard to satisfy. Apart from these stereotypes being false, this stigma against bi men contributes to keeping them the most closeted LGBT cohort in society.
Of course, not all women harbour a bias against bi men, but unfortunately, research consistently shows that a hell of a lot do.
A 2019 study published in the Journal of Bisexuality titled “Swipe Left on the Bi Guys” pretty much sums it up. The researchers concluded that heterosexual women tended to rate bi men as less sexually and romantically attractive, less desirable to date and have sex with, and less masculine compared to straight men. A 2023 study by the LGBT dating app, Taimi, involving around 3,000 bi users, showed that 92.2% of bi men feel they encounter significant difficulties in relationships with straight women. A 2016 Glamour survey revealed that 63% of women wouldn’t date a man who has had sex with another man, whether or not he is bi. A 2019 YouGov poll found only 28% of women expressed comfort with the idea of having a bi partner. Ironically, a survey by the online doctor-patient resource DrEd/ZAVA found that 34% of women were open to or had already had sex with another woman — but only 19% would date a bi person.
The deeper issue at play here is the presence of biphobic stigmas and negative stereotypes underlying the aversion to bi men. For starters, they simply aren’t true. Male bisexuality is real. Bi men are not gay men in denial. It’s even been put through the extraordinary test of being demonstrated in laboratory conditions. And for every case of a man who thought he was bi before coming out as gay, I can point you to a man who thought he was gay before coming out as bi. It goes both ways, you might say. Similarly, there is no basis for the belief that bi men can’t be satisfied with just one partner. Indeed, 78% of bisexual men are in monogamous relationships. As for infidelity, there is no evidence showing that bi men are more likely to cheat on their partners than anyone else — zilch. Cheating is a personality trait, not a sexuality trait. To rule out all bi men because you might be cheated on is not only illogical, it's biphobic.
What’s particularly concerning is the larger context which allows these women to openly express their biphobia without facing criticism. Imagine if this were any other characteristic: if a woman were saying she wouldn't date men of certain races, ethnicities, or even hair colours out of the baseless belief that such men are more likely to cheat. It would, of course, be her right. But the rest of us would regard her as morally suspect, and for good reason. Yet, somehow, women feel empowered and even proud to declare that they wouldn't date bi men — and nobody bats an eye.
Collectively, these studies illustrate the uphill and often hostile dynamics bi men face in the dating market. And yet the data doesn't fully capture how this impacts the psyche of bi men. As a bi advice columnist, I've heard from thousands of bi people who reach out for answers to their problems. Bi men in droves tell me that since they came out, they've had no interest from women. Some said that from the moment they included the word "bisexual" on their dating profile, they never got a swipe from a woman again. Others report feeling not “man enough”, and that women see their history with men as a negative, as something that works against them being a credible potential partner.
All of this takes a psychological toll. By coming out and being honest about who they are, it means fewer people will be romantically open to them. The impact is clear: the majority of bisexual men stay closeted.
Research indicates that bi folks face greater challenges to coming out, with bi men in particular being the most likely to be closeted. According to a 2023 Stonewall report, only 20% of bi people are out to all their family members — three times less than gay men or lesbians. The same report found that 42% of bi people hide their sexuality at work for fear of discrimination. In 2012, Pew Research found that only 12% of bi men were out to most or all important people in their lives, compared to 33% of bi women, 77% of gay men, and 71% of lesbians. When Pew revisited the topic in 2019, little had changed: 19% of bi people were out to all or most of the important people in their lives compared to 75% of gay and lesbian people. These stubbornly persistent numbers are all the more striking when we consider how much overall LGBT progress occurred over the 2010s.
Bi men have, to a degree, become caught in a vicious cycle. As an advice columnist, the most common question I receive is from bi men seeking guidance on how to come out to their wives. Even after marriage and children — after years of burying their bisexuality and watching society become more tolerant — they still worry about the consequences of revealing their sexuality. As the data above shows, these bi men sadly have good reason to suspect that their wives would take issue with their sexuality. Now, in later life, these men are still trying to work up the courage to tell the truth. If many women categorically reject bi men, bi men will hide their bisexuality. And when bi men in large numbers stay in the closet, the lack of bi male visibility makes it harder to dispel the very negative stereotypes that keep them closeted to begin with!
Lewis and his family on the beach.
I’ve heard from many people over the years who’ve told me that women who have a problem with male bisexuality tend to be on the conservative side of the political ledger. In my experience, this is not true. This phenomenon isn’t limited to any one political faction. In fact, I’ve had self-identified progressive women at Pride parades tell me they wouldn’t date bi guys. This touches on a broader discomfort with bisexuality. Gay men do not threaten the status quo of sex dynamics in the way bi men do. Accepting gay men doesn’t really require anything from women. It’s a cost-free platitude. With gay men, everyone gets to stay in their tidy “gay” or “straight” box. Bisexuality, on the other hand, blurs the lines. What I’ve found over the years is that many people will support ideals and causes as long as they don't really affect or cost them personally. Many women will happily clap for a gay couple because it doesn’t impact their lives. But suggest dating a bi man, and all the prejudices they pretend aren’t there bubble to the surface.
So, what can we do to change this? The first step is recognizing and then challenging these ingrained biphobic beliefs. This means having uncomfortable conversations and calling out prejudices when we see them. Along these lines, it’s useful to keep an eye on how attitudes are changing by looking at research. One problem is that the people studying these things are either huge, broad-spectrum polling firms that sometimes go nearly a decade before checking back in, or one-off studies or surveys. There is no dedicated LGBT group monitoring this on a more regular basis to track the more granular shifts and details, and it’s time that one stepped up to the plate.
We should also profile success stories. Highlighting positive examples of bi men in happy, fulfilling opposite-sex relationships can help challenge stereotypes and provide role models for others. As someone in a happy relationship with a woman, I put myself out there in large part for this very reason. In truth, there are many wonderful, loving women out there who are more than happy with their bi male partner. We need to showcase these stories to challenge others' beliefs. Are some women cutting themselves off from the possibility of an amazing partner by dismissing bisexual men? Indeed, many women who have been in relationships with bi men report that they make better lovers, partners, and fathers than straight men.
Even as society becomes more accepting of LGBT individuals, and more LGBT people, particularly bisexuals, are coming out, bisexual men are still lagging behind. According to Gallup, in 2021, 1.8% of US men identified as bi. By 2024, it ticked up to 2.1%. That’s a start, but we know from the aforementioned Pew surveys that many bi men still feel pressured to hide who they are. We also know from 2022 research in the Archives of Sexual Behavior that over 13% of straight-identified young men admitted to having bisexual attractions. The women who categorically rule out all bi men aren't just perpetuating a cycle of fear, invisibility, and misunderstanding — they’re limiting a larger portion of their potential partners than perhaps they realise. There’s no reason why we can’t change the culture around how we view bi guys in the dating market. Once we do, we’ll all be happier.
Published July 17, 2024
